BREAKING: Man wins award for concert footage

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Calling it a “work of art,” the Academy on Monday honored the man holding up his iPhone directly in front of you at the concert you paid good money to see with its highest honor for his footage of the show.

“It’s breath-taking,” the Academy’s director told reporters of the shaky footage featuring your favorite song from the band, as well as some of banter between songs from the lead guitarist.

Sources also confirmed Saturday the man who yelled “Free bird” is getting the Most Original Joke award.

“Is this thing on?”: My first open mic night

I’ve been playing guitar for a year or so and I got the nerve to play my first open mic night Friday. I used to sing different places with a couple of friends but it was the first time I had played the guitar in public. I’ve got a ways to go before I’m proficient on the guitar (and singing for that matter), but everyone’s gotta start somewhere. I happened to start with a song that has three chords.

I played at Unity of Kanawha Valley ‘s monthly open mic where Ron Sowell, of the Mountain Stage band, hosts. Everyone who recommended it was right –the audience was kind and encouraging and, most importantly, quiet. The bar open mic night scene is fun but it can be difficult to sing over a loud, drunk crowd, especially when you’re just starting out. Plus, at a church, people are basically obligated to be nice to you, even when you’re not that good.

Thanks to my buddy Paul for documenting it.



Area woman too flattered to report stalker


CHARLESTON, W.Va — Calling his habit of following her and leaving gifts in the foyer of her East End apartment “sweet,” Charleston, W.Va. woman Lorithebrave told reporters Thursday she has not yet reported to police the stalking behavior of her ex-boyfriend. The two broke up three months ago when he insisted on naming their non-existent children. They had dated for three weeks.

“Last Friday he texted that he had left me a surprise at my door,” Lori, who was home at the time, said. “Once I got over the fear of it being him with a gun, I actually loved the roses he sent.”

Witnessed confirmed of the 12 pink, long-stemmed roses, one was plastic.

The roses came with a note that said “I’ll love you until the last flower dies.”

Note: This is satire. Inspired by The Onion.

Oh, the things you’ll (over) hear


On my days off, when I get sick of sitting around the apartment or doing chores, I like to take my laptop to a local coffee shop and write.
Most afternoons the coffee shop is quiet. While I try to mind my own business, sometimes I can’t help overhearing the conversations around me.
Here are a couple of the more entertaining ones:

1. The man with the genius baby. A proud father was talking about 14-month-old daughter who, according to him, was likely to be a young Mensa (the high IQ society) member soon, just like her daddy.
“I just got her an ‘HTML for babies’ book,” he said with a straight face.

2. The former lovers.
Oh man, was that awkward. And they were the only ones in the whole place who were actually taking. So we all got to hear their very private-type of conversation. He was dating someone new and it was clearly bothering her.
“Where did you meet her?” she asked.
“The transit mall,” he said.
“So, has she done more…sexually… Than me?”
3. The Mormon Bible study. Two youngish Mormon missionaries leading a group of teenagers in a study of the Bible and the Book of Mormon. This was amusing mostly because
a teenage girl asked a Bible study leader for a hug and he turned her down. I think it was a purity thing because he didn’t have the same reservations with the young men in the group. Perhaps she should have a side hug?