Something was missing from my life, so I bought a second pair of purple pants.
I’m torn. I want to wear my glasses because I like to see, but I know from nearly every movie I’ve seen that I won’t find love until I take them off.
Every time I hear a grown woman say “pee pee” in public, it reaffirms my content at not yet being a mother.
Think of all the lives that could be saved if adult bicycle helmets were more attractive.
“Broccoli mama like a wagon wheel, broccoli mama any way you feel” – if Old Crow Medicine Show did a healthy-eating themed kids’ album.