BREAKING: Man wins award for concert footage

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Calling it a “work of art,” the Academy on Monday honored the man holding up his iPhone directly in front of you at the concert you paid good money to see with its highest honor for his footage of the show.

“It’s breath-taking,” the Academy’s director told reporters of the shaky footage featuring your favorite song from the band, as well as some of banter between songs from the lead guitarist.

Sources also confirmed Saturday the man who yelled “Free bird” is getting the Most Original Joke award.

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Area woman too flattered to report stalker

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CHARLESTON, W.Va — Calling his habit of following her and leaving gifts in the foyer of her East End apartment “sweet,” Charleston, W.Va. woman Lorithebrave told reporters Thursday she has not yet reported to police the stalking behavior of her ex-boyfriend. The two broke up three months ago when he insisted on naming their non-existent children. They had dated for three weeks.

“Last Friday he texted that he had left me a surprise at my door,” Lori, who was home at the time, said. “Once I got over the fear of it being him with a gun, I actually loved the roses he sent.”

Witnessed confirmed of the 12 pink, long-stemmed roses, one was plastic.

The roses came with a note that said “I’ll love you until the last flower dies.”

Note: This is satire. Inspired by The Onion.